On the Gravitational Pull of the Morning Espresso

Researchers have long suspected that a properly pulled espresso exerts a measurable gravitational force on anyone within three metres of the machine. Early observations, conducted in a converted shipping container near the Maashaven, recorded colleagues drifting towards the kitchen at a steady 1.2 metres per minute, regardless of meeting obligations. The effect appears strongest between 08:45 and 09:15 and weakens noticeably once the milk runs out.

Further study suggests the phenomenon is not limited to Earth. Astronauts aboard the orbiting station reported an inexplicable urge to orient themselves towards Italy during every sunrise, which, at sixteen sunrises a day, made scheduling difficult. One crew member described the sensation as “a polite but firm tug from somewhere near Naples”. Mission control has declined to comment.